Quickies
A homeless man walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills and said, "Excuse me, ma'am,
I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower!"
A woman went to her doctor for her annual checkup and her doctor said, "Before
we get started, tell me how you're doing. Has anything changed since I saw you last year?"
The woman said, "Well, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."
"Really," said the doctor, "And what are you taking for it?"
And the woman said, "Oh, just pepper."
One Sunday, a woman decided to take her 4-year-old daughter with her to church.
As the minister began his sermon, he closed his eyes and extended his arms toward heaven, and a rapturous look came over his upturned
face.
The minister said, "Dear Lord, without you, we are but dust..."
The 4-year-old little girl in her 4-year-old little girl voice said, "Mom, what's butt dust?"
A recent college graduate got an HR job in a large corporation and her first
assignment was to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was getting in the elevator, a very young man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" she said in a scolding tone.
The young man replied with a grin, "Yeah, that's one of the benefits of owning the company."
A young man was visiting his elderly neighbor and he noticed a stuffed lion in the den.
The young man said, "Wow! When did you shoot that lion?"
The old man said proudly, "Three years ago when I went hunting with my mother-in-law."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the young man.
The old man smiled, "My mother-in-law."
He said, "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said, "What a good idea. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
He said, "Why are married women heavier than single women?"
She said, "Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge."
Maggie and Betty were chatting while having lunch one day.
Maggie said, "Hey Betty, do you talk to your husband while you're having sex?"
Betty said, "Heavens no! Why would I want to phone him at a time like that?"
Tired of a listless sex life, a man came right out and asked his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never
tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "Because you're never home."
A woman calls 911 and says "I think my husband is dead."
The operator says, "How do you know?"
The woman says, "Well, the sex is about the same but the trash is really piling up!"
My husband has been missing for a week now, so I called the police and the officer said to prepare for the worst. I thought oh, alright,
and I went down to Goodwill to get all his clothes back.
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